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Your Slow Walking Is a Crime Against Society (And You Know It)

Before we begin, let’s be violently clear so no one grows a moral spine they didn’t earn. This is not about:

• • elderly people
  • disabled people
  • injured people
  • parents wrangling strollers
  • anyone whose body legitimately says, “Hey champ, we’re doing our best here.”

Those people get respect and space. They’re moving as fast as they can and we love them.

This is about you — the perfectly capable, fully-functioning adult who chooses to walk like your bones are made of wet linguine.

This is about the people who could move faster… but don’t.
Those who deliberately stroll, drift, or float like they’re in a perfume commercial while the rest of us are trying to exist.
So yes.
Let’s talk about you.

The Sidewalk Is Not a Romantic Slow Dance Floor

If you are wrapped around your partner while walking, like two rotisserie chickens tied together with butcher twine, you are a public obstruction.
Why are you hip-to-hip?
Why are your arms tangled like you’re reenacting a middle school slow dance?
Why are you drifting down the sidewalk like you’re in a music video shot at 0.25x speed?
You know you can walk and hold hands without turning into a two-person centipede, right?

You are not starring in a Netflix romance montage.
You are blocking the entire human race.
This Is Not Strolling. This Is Hostage-Taking.

Crowded sidewalk.
Airport terminal.
Train station escalator landing.
Concert exit.
Grocery store aisle.
Mall corridor.
These are not drift zones.

If you are moving at a speed that suggests your soul has already left your body, you are performing civil disruption.

Some of us are trying to:

• Get to work
• Get home
• Catch a train or plane

And you’re out here drifting like a sentient beanbag chair.
Unacceptable.

Slow Walkers Always Look Shocked When Passed

The best part?
You all look stunned when someone walks around you.
Like “Wow… some people are in SUCH a hurry…”
Yes. Yes we are.
Because we live in reality. Not whatever brain fog molasses dream-sequence you’re floating through.

You are not relaxed. You are in the way.

And Don’t Even Get Me Started on The Couples Who Sidewalk-SWEEP

The ones who:

• Walk shoulder-to-shoulder
• At the same speed
• Occupying the entire width of the sidewalk
• Moving at the pace of a dying Roomba

You know what you are? You are meat barricades.

Human traffic cones. Obstacles with emotional codependency.
Break formation. Or get bulldozed.

The Rule (Burn It Into Your Spinal Cord)

If you can move faster and choose not to, you are the problem.

If you need to walk slow: Pull. To. The. Side.
Like a car.
Like a rational being.
Like someone who understands that the world does not revolve around their romantic shuffle-step.

Final Thought

Walking slow in public when you are fully capable of walking faster is not cute.
Not romantic.
Not whimsical.
It is anti-social behavior and you should feel the shame of ten thousand ancestors clocking your pace from the afterlife.

Walk like you are alive.
Or at least like you understand other people exist.
Because one day, someone is going to sigh behind you so aggressively your soul will evacuate through your spine.
And we will all feel peace.